You FEEEEL You live!

I'm sitting in MY reception.. looking at the curtains.. and the couches.. this is MY taste.. MY house.. on my right there are two picture frames.. with MY picture in a wedding dress..ME!

All my life.. for some reason.. I havent been there.. in the moment for myself.. its like I'm alive but unaware.. call it brain malfunction, crazy, normal, whatever you wanna call it.. but thats how it has always been for me..

I get too scared, my brain just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.. my body is physically there but not my mind.. its like I'm on standby..

It happend so many times before.. starting from the first time I drove my car alone, to preparing and attending my own wedding..

In the past, I was on sleep mood unintentionally.. I'd wait for something, do it, then forget how it felt like doing it.. or so I thought.. untill I realized that, no I dont just forget how it felt, I forget to feeeel it in the first place.. my mind forgets to send a signal to my heart and my spirit.. my mind is usually too busy stressing over trivial things, or nothing at all..

My most annoying thought? is what I am thinking right now.. have you ever had that? please say you did because I dont wanna feel even more crazy here.. if you're a guy reading this then.. most probably you have never been through this exhausting thought, not because you're impaired.. but because your brain just functions in a more simple way.. at this point you're probably just thinking play station or jam or.. boobies.. but.. thats a whole different thing we'll get to later!

My most exahusting thought is.. thinking about what I am thinking right now.. its always in a conversation.. a voice in my head that goes.. what are you thinking? then another voice goes nothing.. then first voice says.. well now we're thinking that you're thinking about nothing which is clearly nothing because I'm just not thinking right now.. shhhh.... what did I just think about it? was it nothing or shhh? .. was I thinking there for a moment there? Was that an actual thought? Does it qualify as one? ahh cheater you cant think, but I just thought! oh shit!

So in between those lovely 'thoughts'', or the lack of them.. I forget to FEEEEL

I remember one time when I was driving a motorbike years ago.. and it was my favorite thing to do at the time.. I would just ''rent'' a motorbike and drive around alone aimlessly.. right after I get off the bike, I feel like I wanna do it again, not because I miss it, but because I felt like I havent done it.. I'd say infront of a friend that I wanna go bike riding, and then she would tell me, but you just got off the bike.. and my response would always be.. but I forgot how it felt like, I didnt feel like I just got off the bike!

How is all of this related to MY house you ask.. well.. its been a little over a year now.. and I have just realized that holy shit I'm married!!! It takes some time to kick in.. for the idea to settle down in my head.. and for me to be able to finally FEEL it.. I am married!! I have my own house!! with MY taste.. this is all MINE, and my husband's ofcourse, but thats not the point!..

 I remember Anderson Cooper when he was talking about his brother who commit suicide, he said the last thing his brother asked before killing himself was.. Will I ever feel again?

I am here, I'm alive, FEEL it..  enjoy the feeling, happy, sad, scared, worried..thats the kind of thing I have to constantly remind myself with.. or I'll slip into sleep mode, again!