Lonely by default

Loneliness is a state of mind. No matter how many friends you have, how many people you're surrounded with or what your relationship status is, if you're meant to feel lonely you will feel lonely. I don't know why, is it a chemical imbalance in your brain? Is it curable? Are the people you're surrounded with just not the right people for you? I don't know!

I always hear the expression ''have a life''.. As in, ''Get a life'' or ''He's such a loser with 0 life'' .. We're all alive, technically we all have lives.. but not really! What makes two equally alive people different when it comes to ''having a life''? What makes that life? Is it how many friends you have? How cool your job is? How busy your social life is? How much you've reached in your life? How much money you have? I don't get it! How do you measure it? I can hear your thought already.. happiness.. I'd ask you to even try and define that but it will take you forever or you'll say 'satisfaction' and you'll add a ''BUT'' followed by telling me how hard it is to feel satisfied..

I'm missing something here folks, I don't understand it! Okay let me ask you one more question.. do you know that you have ''a life''.. or do you sometimes question it? Are you confident that you have the right job, the right friends, the right significant other?

Maybe I'm just one of those people who never really wished for anything.. All my wishes and dreams were, well.. ridiculous.. childish.. far fetched.. possible, but not really.. not for me atleast. When I was a kid, I never reaaallly dreamed of how my life is going to be like when I grow old.. Never thought about what kind of guy I'd wanna be with or what kind of job I can (realistically) do.. Anything ''normal'' seemed really boring.. I didn't have ''normal'' dreams..  Whats the point from having ''normal'' dreams anyways? But then again, Whats the point from dreaming big but not doing anything to achieve those dreams..  There is no point, and then you find yourself lonely or lost or unsure..

From now on.. I will care no more about being surrounded by people.. simply because, it doesn't matter.. I still feel lonely.. From now on, I will stop dreaming and start making goals, achievable goals.. I'll start small and with each goal crossed from the list I'll start making even bigger goals.. From now on, I will let people enjoy their little freaking lives.. and embrace my own loneliness..

You FEEEEL You live!

I'm sitting in MY reception.. looking at the curtains.. and the couches.. this is MY taste.. MY house.. on my right there are two picture frames.. with MY picture in a wedding dress..ME!

All my life.. for some reason.. I havent been there.. in the moment for myself.. its like I'm alive but unaware.. call it brain malfunction, crazy, normal, whatever you wanna call it.. but thats how it has always been for me..

I get too scared, my brain just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.. my body is physically there but not my mind.. its like I'm on standby..

It happend so many times before.. starting from the first time I drove my car alone, to preparing and attending my own wedding..

In the past, I was on sleep mood unintentionally.. I'd wait for something, do it, then forget how it felt like doing it.. or so I thought.. untill I realized that, no I dont just forget how it felt, I forget to feeeel it in the first place.. my mind forgets to send a signal to my heart and my spirit.. my mind is usually too busy stressing over trivial things, or nothing at all..

My most annoying thought? is what I am thinking right now.. have you ever had that? please say you did because I dont wanna feel even more crazy here.. if you're a guy reading this then.. most probably you have never been through this exhausting thought, not because you're impaired.. but because your brain just functions in a more simple way.. at this point you're probably just thinking play station or jam or.. boobies.. but.. thats a whole different thing we'll get to later!

My most exahusting thought is.. thinking about what I am thinking right now.. its always in a conversation.. a voice in my head that goes.. what are you thinking? then another voice goes nothing.. then first voice says.. well now we're thinking that you're thinking about nothing which is clearly nothing because I'm just not thinking right now.. shhhh.... what did I just think about it? was it nothing or shhh? .. was I thinking there for a moment there? Was that an actual thought? Does it qualify as one? ahh cheater you cant think, but I just thought! oh shit!

So in between those lovely 'thoughts'', or the lack of them.. I forget to FEEEEL

I remember one time when I was driving a motorbike years ago.. and it was my favorite thing to do at the time.. I would just ''rent'' a motorbike and drive around alone aimlessly.. right after I get off the bike, I feel like I wanna do it again, not because I miss it, but because I felt like I havent done it.. I'd say infront of a friend that I wanna go bike riding, and then she would tell me, but you just got off the bike.. and my response would always be.. but I forgot how it felt like, I didnt feel like I just got off the bike!

How is all of this related to MY house you ask.. well.. its been a little over a year now.. and I have just realized that holy shit I'm married!!! It takes some time to kick in.. for the idea to settle down in my head.. and for me to be able to finally FEEL it.. I am married!! I have my own house!! with MY taste.. this is all MINE, and my husband's ofcourse, but thats not the point!..

 I remember Anderson Cooper when he was talking about his brother who commit suicide, he said the last thing his brother asked before killing himself was.. Will I ever feel again?

I am here, I'm alive, FEEL it..  enjoy the feeling, happy, sad, scared, worried..thats the kind of thing I have to constantly remind myself with.. or I'll slip into sleep mode, again!

Hello World!

The thought of me starting a blog visited me several times before.. but it was always kicked out by the question: what will my blog be about.. that question I never found an answer to, untill 15 minutes ago..


My blog will be about nothing.. I will talk about all the things I dont do! I will let you in on my pretty boring life.. on some days, my life is hectic, exciting and full of adventure.. and on other days its so boring I cant even blog about it! This is how the majority of us feel about life I believe.. and this blog shall celebrate this human tendency.. to just speak our minds, make little sense and talk about nothing!!


My 20-something Cents is my take on everything that surrounds me, as a 20-something year old who has opinions, likes, dislikes, pet peeves, ramblings, frustrations, friends, pets,... you name it!


Some of you might find this boring and unoriginal.. others might be able to relate.. but at the end of the day.. I write what I think.. to just let it out to the universe.. and if nobody reads, its fine by me... but if you readers are out there, definetely hit me up and tell me you exist! =)


let me begin this blogging journey with a little introduction about moi..


I'm female, unemployed, married, young and in denial..


I hate labels.. eventhough I just gave myself 5 of those above..


I think of my self as a person first, female second.. I still love dresses, balloons and pink!


I love animals specifically dogs..


I am not a mother to any human babies, but a loving mommy to my puppy and kittens


I have always had a strange relationship with my name, from extreme hate to love!


I grew up believing I'm unique and special.. for God knows what reason!


I have chronic constipation! (too much info you might think.. but in this blog, we shall explore the human psyche (and bladder issues) without any restrictions! =D




OMG! I started a blog!!